The human brain often operates in default mode based upon habits of thinking that we have engaged in for a long time. For some reason, our brain seems to default to habits of thinking that are not as beneficial to us as we would like them to be.
As we contemplate the brain with its myriads of neural networks (neurons that fire along pathways in the brain), we can see that our brain likes to fire neurons along the same pathways over and over. Our brain likes to take shortcuts in order to cut down on the hard work of firing along new neural pathways. In some ways, this is a protective response and in other ways, it is a time and energy-saving response.
Think of this example: you are chased and bitten by a vicious dog in your childhood. After that event, whenever you see a dog running toward you, your brain immediately registers it as danger and it causes you to take protective measures (the brain's protective response).
In a different example, we see a time and energy-saving response when we automatically accept new information that comes to us from someone we think we can trust (a person, a media source, a pastor, etc). We see the evidence of our brain taking shortcuts when we do not take time to do the hard work of researching and questioning this information. Our default belief is that we can save time and just go with the information from the person we think we can trust.
In a nutshell, our brain is wired to be defensive and lazy. I suspect that when God created Adam and Eve, before they fell to sin, their brains were probably wired differently - more ready to do the hard work of thinking, researching, and pondering and not so obsessed with protecting themselves (since they lived in the perfect Garden of Eden).
Why am I talking about our human brain and it's wiring? It is crucial to our mental, spiritual, emotional, physical AND relational health to understand the workings of our brain and it's bad habits. Once we are aware of these defensive and "lazy" tendencies, we can be more intentional about creating new habits of thinking based on proactiveness and effective "work".
Whatever you wire your brain to think, with repetitive thoughts, will impact your feelings, which will impact your actions and behaviors. The beauty of this knowledge about our brain's wiring, is that we can change how our thoughts and beliefs are wired.
Today, it is on my heart to discuss this concept of creating new habits for our brains because I have been seeing the extremely negative effects that bad habits of thinking can have on marriage relationships. When a spouse begins to succumb to lazy thinking or defensive thinking in their marriage, they will not treat their spouse in the best possible way.
One real example in my life was when my husband became very frustrated with me because he thought I was being critical of the way did he something. I had come into the kitchen and noticed a pot of boiling water on the stove. I assumed it needed to be turned down to medium heat so it would not boil over and so I turned it down. Not much later, Andy came out, saw the stove turned down and got really frustrated with me because he thought I was insinuating he didn't know what he was doing (it turns out he wanted to leave it on high and let the pasta in the pot boil for 7 minutes). He let me know via his actions that he was not happy with me. He had taken a defensive and lazy-brain route of assuming something about my actions and I had taken a lazy-brain approach by assuming he did not want to leave the stove on high.
I, then, became upset that he had this frustrated reaction and I started struggling with thoughts of "here we go again, the same pattern of him assuming something negative about me and I cannot defend myself." Both Andy and I had engaged in defensive and lazy thinking.
Later, after praying and running through a new script in my mind, I was able to go to Andy and we were able to talk it all through and come to a place of forgiving each other.
I see these kinds of situations in a lot of the couples I counsel. I find myself giving the same tips over and over, so I thought it would be good to write them out in this email.
Tips for Better Brain-Habits (habits of thinking):
1. Don't assume. Check out assumptions with your spouse, friend, or loved one.
2. Question yourself - "am I engaging in defensive thinking or lazy thinking?" If you are, ask God to help you see what really needs to be done or said in order to come to peace with the other person.
3. Challenge yourself - ask God to help you re-wire your brain to take a more slow, effective approach to any and all interactions and communications with your loved one, then start putting it into practice one situation at a time.
4. Get familiar with the list of 10 typical Cognitive Distortions. This article would be too long if I wrote them out here, but you can download a free pdf listing all 10 of them from my website shop and read through them to help you identify your own possible distorted thinking habits - here is the link: https://sherryjoycollier.com/products/identifying-10-cognitive-distortions-pdf
Before I finish this article, I want to give you hope and encouragement from God's Word. Here are a couple of relevant verses:
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." - Romans 12:2
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." - Matthew 5:9
"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace."- Romans 8:6